Regrets and Resolutions
by melicitysmoak
Summary: Felicity gets the rare chance to visit Oliver for the first time in Slabside Prison. She doesn't really know what to say, and so does he. (Post-Season 6, Season 6.5 Arrow/Olicity spec fic)


**REGRETS & RESOLUTIONS**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Arrow or its characters. The CW, DC, and Warner Bros. do.**

* * *

The drive to Slabside Maximum Security Prison was uneventful, but it was taking longer than expected. Felicity thought that five long hours would fly by swiftly if she just slept through the trip. After all, John and Lyla had picked her up from the safehouse in the wee hours of the morning in order to get to the prison in time for the visitation slot scheduled by the warden whom Agent Watson coordinated with. But she couldn't sleep. A hundred and one conflicting thoughts, compounded by a hundred more mixed emotions weighed her down. If John and Lyla had noticed her restlessness, they'd tried their best not to show it.

It's been five months. And Felicity missed Oliver. Too much for her own good and peace of mind.

She had lost some weight since his arrest, significant enough to be noticed by her husband's gaze. She had tried to pick a dress that would conceal the decrease in body mass so that he would not worry about her needlessly, _and_ blame himself any more than she knew he already did. (Because, of course, other than archery and hand-to-hand combat, brooding and wallowing in guilt and self-loathing were two of his fields of expertise. She knew her husband too well.) Her weight loss wasn't just because her husband was no longer busy in their kitchen. Food (even from Big Belly Burger) had lost its appeal months back. Even a good night's rest was hard to come by most days. On the good days, she and William would get by with binge-watching on Netflix over mint chocolate chip and pizza dinners. But on the bad days when she missed Oliver sorely, she would cry herself to sleep only to be awakened by nightmares of him getting beaten up in prison by the scumbags and scoundrels that he had helped put behind bars.

Two months ago, Lyla had worried about her spiraling down to depression and suggested that she see the resident therapist of ARGUS, but she had opted not to. Lyla and John were good enough listeners. Despite doctor-patient confidentiality, she did not trust a stranger with Oliver's and her secrets even if his identity was already public knowledge. The people of Star City had barely scratched the surface when it came to Oliver Queen and his mission as the Green Arrow. She only wished that they had discovered more than just his secret identity; she wanted everyone to know how much Oliver had sacrificed to save their city like the true hero that he was. How on many occasions he had given up his happiness, his freedom, and his life for the greater good. He really did NOT deserve to be in prison after everything he'd done.

Felicity was surviving. One day at a time. She was grateful not to be alone in this ordeal. She had William, and he had her. They promised to have each other's backs. William was really good at encouraging her when she felt down. Anytime she missed seeing Oliver, William's presence helped to remind her of him. Sometimes it was in the way he looked so much like his father. At other times, it was in the little thoughtful ways that he would take care of her or make her smile. Still, a few times, it was in how he preferred to be left alone in the silence of his room when he felt melancholy. Her stepson was so much like the man she loved with all her heart. Whenever she thought about how they may never get Oliver back because of his life sentence, she comforted herself in the thought that through William, she will always have a part of him with her. Comforting herself had become a skill she had been perfecting. It had not yet come close to her hacking skills, though, but she was becoming so good at it, especially in the context of being in protective custody. She and William did not make many friends in this situation.

She had even gone back to praying, just like she had been taught in their Jewish faith when she was little. She prayed every day for Oliver – for his health, his safety, and for some way to secure his release. Finding a way for him to be released or pardoned remained an unanswered prayer to date. As for the first two, she really had no way of knowing. Being in protective custody also meant that they couldn't see him, call him, or write to him. John did not have the ARGUS clearance level to be given permission to visit him. Lyla had only seen him twice but would not tell them anything else except that Oliver sent his love and wanted them to know that he was doing _fine_. Felicity knew that Oliver used that word very loosely and subjectively. She had also prayed for the chance to see him in prison, a small favor to be granted by the FBI and facilitated by ARGUS. Three days ago, that prayer was answered.

She missed Oliver so much. She was so looking forward to this visit – the first one among many, she hoped – but she also dreaded seeing him face to face for multiple, understandable reasons. No wonder she couldn't sleep in the SUV.

She hadn't seen him since they took him away from her and William after that press conference outside the SCPD on the day of his arrest, which was also the day that Quentin had succumbed to his injury and died. It was a good thing she had numerous photographs to remind her of him, though sometimes she preferred not to look at them to avoid feeling sad and lonely. However, she also hadn't spoken to him for five months. She feared that she would soon forget his voice – not the low, growly one he used as the Green Arrow, but the sweet and tender one that he used with her, and only with her. She feared she might forget how pleasantly her name rolled off his tongue every time he spoke it. No one else could, not even William. Not seeing, hearing, smelling, touching, and tasting her husband was beginning to feel like punishment crueler than death, because even though Oliver was very much alive, they were being kept apart intentionally by people and circumstances.

By the choice _**he**_ made.

That ridiculous, irrational choice.

Did it not occur to him that he wasn't the only one who was going to suffer the repercussions of surrendering himself to the FBI? What was he thinking?

 _I needed to make sure that you and William, and the people that are close to me, would be safe._

Safe. Yeah, sure. For five months, Oliver's words kept playing in her head like a broken record. And each time, they broke her heart to pieces. She recalled what she'd adamantly told him four years ago in his family's empty house. _I don't want to be safe. I want to be with you, unsafe._ What good was being safe if it meant not being with him? After all these years, he still couldn't get that into his thick skull.

Like many times in the past months, a wave of anger surged within her when she thought about his stubbornness, about his tendency to go at it alone. How many times had she told him that marriage was about inclusion, about leaning on one's partner? There was no 'you' or 'me' anymore, just 'us.'

She was right after all. When they had broken up and she'd given him back her engagement ring in the bunker after their fake wedding, she'd told him that he was never going to change. No matter how much he loved her, she feared that there was always going be a part of him that defaulted to the man on the island, alone… who came back to save the city, alone. She somehow predicted that making unilateral decisions was something he would still be doing, and at the time she knew she couldn't live with that. Even then, he had promised her that things would be different, but she remembered telling him, "Sooner than you think, you're going to be stuck in a situation where you would make a decision that requires you to hide things from me, again."And just as she'd predicted, it had happened again. Ricardo Diaz had backed him into a dead end, and he'd sacrificed himself once again without telling _**her**_ about it.

Her. His wife. The person he'd committed to be partners with for life. She was supposed to know.

She would have backed his play even if she thought it was the most insane and most ludicrous plan to apprehend Diaz once and for all. Diaz wasn't even as lethal a threat as Ra's al Ghul, Damian Darkh, or Prometheus. But she would have trusted him, like always, even if she disagreed with him. Was it too much to ask for his wife to be privy to his plans?

To be fair, Oliver had been making progress ever since that poignant moment they shared when they were trapped in the bunker and she had lost the use of her legs, courtesy of Adrian Chase. They'd been forced to argue about their issues, and finally, Oliver had been able to come clean and confess his deep, dark secrets. It had been cathartic for him and enlightening for her. He had brought out in the open the demons that had haunted him for over a decade. She had come to terms with her own faults – judging him without empathy and withholding a second chance despite his many attempts to redeem himself and win her back. After that, she had thought that he would change when they got back together after the island exploded. Apparently, she was wrong. Even after they had gotten married, Oliver still made a major decision that would impact her and his son adversely. And he did it again on his own, without consulting her.

* * *

During their very limited time in the interrogation room, Oliver hadn't had the chance to talk things through with his wife. He couldn't even look at her. He wouldn't, because he knew what he would see in her eyes. He had failed her again.

Not too long ago before his arrest, that night when she came home very worried about what she saw on the news about an explosion involving the Green Arrow, he had promised her that she wasn't going to lose him, just like he had promised William. He'd promised her that he would always come back. He hadn't died in his battle with Diaz, still she had essentially lost him, nonetheless. He knew that he had made promises he couldn't keep. Somehow, he knew that she understood that deep down inside, but she was just putting on a brave face. Nevertheless, it still hurt knowing that he had hurt her very deeply once again.

After his arrest, he had spent most of the time he had left explaining what was happening to William. His son needed to hear it from him. William needed to hear why he was going to lose his father so soon after he had lost his mother on Lian Yu, because of him. Felicity had respected that, giving father and son the privacy that they needed, and Oliver loved her all the more for it. While he spoke with William, she had turned away so that the boy would not see her lose it. Oliver had known she was crying even with her back turned against them, trying to hide her anguish. The way her shoulders moved and her body shook as she sobbed as quietly as she could were a tell. It took him every ounce of self-control not to break down in front of his son, because all he wanted to do was to hold Felicity in his arms and tell her how sorry he was for all the pain he'd put her through each and every time he had to make a very difficult choice.

By the time Oliver was done talking to his son, Samanda Watson had entered the room with a couple of FBI agents to take him away. They didn't even let him share a goodbye kiss or a final embrace with Felicity. They led him away without him telling her one more time how much he loved her. One final glance behind him, and the last thing he saw on her face as she mouthed a soundless 'I love you' was the agony of a broken heart.

That was the first time he regretted not telling her about the choice he had made.

He regretted having closed a deal with the FBI without consulting her. He regretted asking Cisco to make another Green Arrow suit for Diggle without running it by her. He regretted taking the time to bring closure to his conflicts with Curtis, Rene, and Dinah and not giving his own wife the time of day. He had told her that there hadn't been time to tell her the truth, but even back then, he had known that was a lie. He could have told her about his not-brilliant idea to turn himself in when they were at ARGUS, right after the phone call with William. He could have told her at the SCPD, when she had called his attention about his private conversations with Diggle and the newbies. He had plenty of time to tell her at the hospital when they waited for news about Quentin. He could have told her, but he didn't. And Felicity knew it. When Agent Watson cuffed him at the hospital hallway, Oliver had seen the pained frustration in her eyes.

Moreover, he regretted outing himself as the Green Arrow. When he had thought about turning himself in, he didn't think the FBI would be committing him to Supermax. He hadn't taken that into account. If it had been Iron Heights, a prison break might still be feasible eventually. Slabside was way out of the team's league.

Moreover, it contained the worst criminals – many of whose captures had been his doing. He had prepared himself for trouble; he knew he was tough, and he really had gone through hell and back. But he had not foreseen how much suffering was waiting for him in the hands of those who hated him to their bones, including some of the prison guards. Oliver was a skilled fighter, but out in the field he had a team as his back-up; inside the prison, he was all by himself. He couldn't tackle multiple attackers alone, and he had gotten beaten up really bad a few times already whenever the guards couldn't break up a fight soon enough. One of these days, he knew, the guards just might be too late. When that happened, he would have committed the worst sin of all – that of making his beautiful, brilliant wife a young widow, just barely a year after they'd gotten married. He had already left her to raise his son as a single stepmom, perhaps for the rest of his life in prison; he couldn't bear the thought of leaving her permanently to care for his orphaned child. He had realized how unkind and unfair it had been for him to have placed her in that position. It was unforgivable.

What was even more unforgivable was that, in revealing his identity as the Green Arrow to the public, he had left his wife and son in a very precarious situation. Felicity and William became open targets, not just for Diaz, but also for anyone who wanted revenge on Oliver Queen either as the vigilante-turned-hero or as the mayor of their city. Wasn't that the reason why he had turned down the deal that his defense attorney, Jean Loring, offered him during the course of his trial? What demon had possessed him to think otherwise?

Many sleepless nights had been spent in his cell, tossing and turning, as he worried over his family's safety. Ricardo Diaz was still out there, with a dozen other threats to their lives and well-being. Sure, the Diggles and the team were there to help, and he trusted them to protect his family. But if Adrian Chase had been able to find William before, and Damian Darkh had been able to kidnap Felicity in full view of dozens of witnesses, Oliver knew that it was just a matter of time before someone with means and influence, who hated him, would find them. Protective custody was not full-proof, not even under ARGUS' watch.

His foolish, impulsive decision to sacrifice himself had backfired. His family hadn't become any safer from danger with the deal that he struck with Agent Watson. He had realized this within the first month of his incarceration. He had also bitterly realized that he had made the worst mistake of all – that of putting Felicity and William in a vulnerable spot and signing off their freedom to enjoy life without a care in this world. It had been a lose-lose situation after all, and for the past months, he'd been hoping against hope and racking his brain for a solution, for a way to reverse the conditions they were now in.

Regrets.

These were why he was restless in his cell at the moment. Not even push-ups could take his mind off the tension he was feeling. In an hour or so, Felicity was coming to visit for the first time. He really didn't know what to say to her, except that he was sorry. But then again, she'd heard him utter that word to her several times before. What made him think she was still going to accept his apology now? Oliver wasn't so sure that she was even going to listen to a word he'd say. Perhaps she was only coming to say goodbye, once and for all. He wouldn't blame her, that he was sure of. He'd blown his chances many times over, and yet, she had taken him back each and every time. Perhaps this time, he didn't deserve one more chance. He didn't even have the right to ask for it.

* * *

They passed the state border, and John informed her that they were thirty minutes away from the prison. Felicity just nodded to acknowledge him, making sure that he saw it from the rear-view mirror. She hoped that he did not notice how she winced at the thought that she was just thirty minutes away from seeing Oliver again.

What would she say to him? She really didn't know.

She thought about beginning with the truth – that she missed him a lot. Because she did. Or, she could tell him that it was good to finally get to see him. It was rather a bit cliché, but since it was also true (for the most part), she thought she could also go with it.

But what if it wasn't? Good to see him, she meant. What if he had also lost weight like she had? What if he was bruised and battered like she feared all this time? What if the darkness and the gloom had returned? She couldn't bear to look at him and see the suffering and sorrow in his eyes. She wouldn't want to leave after. She would want to reach out for him and treat his cuts and wounds like she always did in the bunker every time he came back injured. She would want to caress his scruff and whisper soothing words that encouraged him to keep going because he was making a difference in so many people's lives, including hers. She would want to embrace him and cradle his head on her chest to comfort him in his weariness. Ugh, why did she even agree with Lyla that this was a good idea?!

She also thought about opening the conversation with how William was doing. Surely that would interest Oliver. If she didn't start talking about his son, she was sure that Oliver would ask her about him in the first five minutes. It was a good thing that she had plenty of stories to tell. In spite of their predicament, William was doing better than she expected. Their safehouse had become their little world, and Felicity had tried to make it as homey as possible throughout the summer. Whenever they didn't play video games or watched movies, they spent long hours learning together – whether by going through educational books or taking short-term classes online. William was really a brilliant young man, and she had always found it fulfilling to tutor him and teach him about a variety of things in life.

Suddenly she remembered one time when she had taught him a lesson about how to cope with the extraordinary, less-than-ideal life that they lived. That night at the bunker, the day William found out that Oliver had gone back to being the Green Arrow, she had admitted to William that she had loved his father for a very long time, and thus, had been worrying about his safety also for a very long time. She had wanted William to understand that she knew exactly how anxious he felt about his father going out at night and fighting bad guys to save the city, and that living with the fear and uncertainty that everything can be taken away from them in an instant was a reality they had to face every single day. Furthermore, she had explained to William that Oliver hadn't always been truthful. Oliver had lied and kept secrets. Oliver wasn't perfect, but he made sacrifices, which meant that they should also make their own sacrifices. She also remembered saying, " _Everything he does, he does for a good reason, or what he thinks is a good reason."_

That got her attention.

Whether it was the right choice or not, Oliver had always made hard decisions that he thought he needed to make for good reason or reasons. She understood that, and she had learned to accept it over time. She knew what she was getting into when she gave him back her heart and gotten back together with him. And even when she had asked him to marry her in an impromptu ceremony officiated by John at the park with Iris and Barry, she had declared, _"…I believe in you… I believe that no matter what life throws at us, we can conquer it…"_ She had been wrong about him changing completely, but she had been right about him not being perfect and having to make tough choices based on an imperfect, often tainted view of the world and himself (whom he did not trust all that much). And yet, she had still married him just the same.

She also realized that even if Oliver kept defaulting into the man on the island who tended to go at it alone, there had also been times when he hadn't kept secrets from her. He had told her about what Chase had done to him during the five days he'd been held captive. He had let her into his and William's lives. He had also listened, in more than one occasion, to her suggestions about how they needed to deal with the team, with Cayden James, Black Siren, and Diaz. Even when he had been drugged with Vertigo, he had listened to her voice and trusted her. Oliver was far from perfect and certainly hadn't changed completely from the damaged man that had come out of Lian Yu, but he was changing, nonetheless, no matter how slow.

Felicity loved Oliver. Despite everything, she still did. That she was sure of. When she decided to marry him, she committed to love him for who he was, flaws included. Yes, he made mistakes, and they were suffering now because of the most recent one he'd made. But she wasn't about to abandon him now, not when she was already his wife. She couldn't walk away like she did two years ago, when as a fiancée she still could. Marriage was for better or for worse. It was about inclusion, and she wasn't about to go at it alone, even when he had.

 _No matter what life throws at us, we can conquer it._

She was reminded about why they were better together than apart. She remembered that they had indeed found themselves in each other. She was convinced that their love helped give their lives meaning and purpose. They had gone through far worse than this, together. They could do it again. She knew, she would.

Something inside her told her that Oliver would have a harder time believing that now. She knew her husband well. After five months of being in a hellish prison away from the ones he loved, it wasn't farfetched for him to have gone back to default mode – the one in which he loathed himself, convinced that he didn't deserve to be happy or to be loved because of all his dismal failures. She would have to persuade him otherwise.

Felicity resolved that as soon as she was done telling him that she missed him, that it was good to see him despite the circumstances, and that William was okay, she would tell him that she still loved him very much. Oh, she would not miss telling him how much he'd hurt her when he did not come clean about his deal with the FBI before he was arrested. She would tell him how furious she'd been. Nevertheless, she would reassure him that what he'd done did not change her love for him. Hopefully, by this time, he would have already seen everything that was wrong about his decision and apologize. She would forgive him. But even if he didn't, she was determined not to stop loving him in spite of. With a forgiving heart, she would be ready to welcome him back anytime he finally came to terms with it.

She would love him to the end of his life sentence if that was what it took. It wasn't true love if she only stood by him when he made good choices. It wasn't true love if she would commit only when he had changed. It wasn't true love if she wasn't willing to forgive.

She would keep loving.

Unconditionally.

Until her love healed _him_ from the wounds of regret and self-hate. Healed _her_ from anger and heartache.

Seated behind a wall of glass, waiting for Oliver to be ushered into the room on the other side, that was all she could think about. When the door opened, she looked up saw him, and before he even sat down on the chair in front of her, Felicity flashed him her warmest, most loving smile. It was wonderful to see the love of her life again.

THE END

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 **A/N: Thanks for reading! I had to write this, especially now that SDCC has given us the trailer for the pilot episode of Season 7. I wanted to write something that would express how I wish things would go in canon as Season 7 approaches. I know my chances for getting my wish may be slim, but I wanted to write it just the same. You are welcome to let me know what you think.**


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